


Bookstores for Bigshots

by vivalashameless



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bookstore, M/M, ian is a lowkey nerd, ian loves books surprise surprise, mickey works in a bookstore, this is gonna be multichap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 02:40:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4083547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivalashameless/pseuds/vivalashameless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hey man, let me live, I’m just trying to find a book,” Ian was wondering if this boy worked here, but then he noticed the nametag that read ‘Mickey’ on his plaid shirt, so he went in for the kill. “Uh, do you happen to know where I can find One For Sorrow by Christopher Barzak?” Ian was still having trouble finding his breath, and the room had grown increasingly hotter despite the cool autumn air.</p><p> </p><p>“Man, the only sorrow you'll find here is in the lives of the workers here.” Mickey scoffed and rolled his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Ian noticed a book in Mickey’s hand and he wondered if Mickey was into reading.</p><p> </p><p>“What book is that?”</p><p>“Its a new one we just received. Its called How to Not Be a Nosy Douchebag for Dummies,” Mickey snorted and Ian felt his heart skip a beat</p><p> </p><p>Aka the bookstore au that no one wants but needs</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Brawns and Brain

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, I decided to come back and start a bookstore au! I definitely plan on continuing this one, and I hope you enjoy it! Your comments are greatly appreciated :)

Ian Gallagher loved books. He loved the way they felt in his hand, how the hardcovers were smooth; the crisp pages, he loved it all.

More than Ian loved the actual books themselves, he loved the stories they contained. Every book was individual, kinda like people. Each story had twists and turns that made your heart stop, and pulled at your emotions. But Ian would never admit when he cried at a book, because Lip told him crying made you weak, and Ian didn't wanna be weak.

Ian could never decide who his favorite authors were or which books were his favorite. Books couldn't be compared. Ian loved both The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold and Carrie by Stephen King equally, but they could not be compared. Lip had first gotten Ian into books when Ian was real little, reading him stories from The Magic Tree House or other kids stories. From then on, Ian continued to love reading anything he could find; even Fiona’s old English-to-Spanish dictionary from middle school.

Living on the north side of Chicago had its perks, there were many different shops and parks and it was overall beautiful.Although the outside streets of Chicago may have been a ‘dream come true’, many homes did not contain that same warm feeling.

Frank had immediately left town following the death of Monica leaving Fiona, Lip, Ian, Carl, Debbie and Liam to fend for themselves. Monica died an unfortunate death; struggling from the very demon of cystic fibrosis.

  Despite her chronic illness she l ked to smoke more often than not, which unfortunately caused her early death.

Most of the Gallaghers were unaffected, because Monica had the tendency to run around and get into trouble; so she was never exactly home. Monica's death had a big impact on Ian though. He was close to his mother, they bonded over their love of Breaking Bad and diner pancakes. Their biggest bond was also their biggest struggle. Cystic fibrosis. Also known as when your lungs are lined with icky, gross mucus stuff. Along with your trachea, and all the other organs you need to well; _breathe._

Ian was first diagnosed with cystic fibrosis when he was just eight years old, which is partially why he loved books so much. Ian had to spend a lot of time in the hospital getting tested, so he read to pass the time.

Now if there was anything Ian loved more than books, it was bookstores. He loved the old wooden shelves and the array of colorful spines nestled perfectly in their place along the shelf. He loved the origami birds that hung from the ceiling and the big windows that allowed light to stream in, illuminating the whole store.

There was this new bookstore downtown that Ian absolutely loved going to called Windy City Books. WCB was located right next to a local coffee shop and a local ceramics studio. The location was perfect and the store itself was even more perfect. Windy City Books was a two story store; with the upper floor for adult books and the first floor dedicated for children and young adult books; with an assortment of plush animals, toys, and train tracks. The upper floor had categorized sections for books, ranging from historical fiction to nonfiction magazines. There were two big windows on the upper floor that showed the view of the Chicago skyline.

Ian tried to go to the bookstore whenever he could, and today was his lucky day because Lip needed more textbooks for his second year of college. Ian hopped into Lip’s beat up van with a smile on his face and money in his pocket just waiting to be spent.

“Hey bud, you got your inhaler?” Ian’s daydream of books was sent back to reality when Lip opened his mouth.

“Yup!” Ian patted his pocket and buckled his seatbelt. _Enough about my stupid lungs, this is go time._

Lip pulled out of the driveway of their small but fulfilling cottage where the Gallagher clan currently resided in. They speeded down the road until the reached town and swerved through the traffic. Ian keep his eyes out the window the whole time, taking in the world around him. People watching was always one of Ian’s favorite activities; he liked to study the way people reacted to certain situations. It was weird, but he liked it.

Lip parked the van on the side of the street and Ian immediately hopped out of the van leaving Lip chuckling behind him. Ian had been interested in this book One For Sorrow by Christopher Barzak, and he was eager to see if WCB had any copies.

Ian ran up the stairs and was coughing and heaving by the time he reached the top. He felt a burning sensation in his lungs and he closed his eyes; breathing heavily until it stopped.

“Woah man, you okay? You look pretty whacked up,”

Ian opened his eyes to a sight that was breathtaking (literally). A boy with dark brown hair and glassy blue eyes was staring directly across at Ian. He was wearing a dark red plaid shirt and khaki pants with black sneakers. Ian had always questioned whether he was gay or not. He never felt attracted to girls like he was supposed to. But he did feel butterflies around Andrew Casner whenever he passed Ian in the hall. If there was any doubt that Ian was gay, that was all thrown away with the boy in front of him.

“Uh, yeah I’m good haha,”Ian mentally slapped himself in the face for being so awkward.

“Don’t exercise often, huh?” the boy smirked, flashing his bright eyes _That smirk_. Oh god, that smirk. It had only been two minutes and this boy already had Ian in a puddle of hopeless crushing.

“Hey man, let me live, I’m just trying to find a book,” Ian was wondering if this boy worked here, but then he noticed the nametag that read ‘Mickey’ on his plaid shirt, so he went in for the kill. “Uh, do you happen to know where I can find One For Sorrow by Christopher Barzak?” Ian was still having trouble finding his breath, and the room had grown increasingly hotter despite the cool autumn air.

“Man, the only sorrow you'll find here is in the lives of the workers here.” Mickey scoffed and rolled his eyes. Ian noticed a book in Mickey’s hand and he wondered if Mickey was into reading.

“What book is that?”

“Its a new one we just received. Its called How to Not Be a Nosy Douchebag for Dummies,” Mickey snorted and Ian felt his heart skip a beat. He didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or if Mickey had just been kidding.

Ian was saved by what he considered a blessing and a curse when he received a text from Lip saying ‘We gotta leave in 5.’

“Uh, well I gotta go. Thanks for uh-yeah. Thanks.” Ian grinned and turned to leave.

“Yeah, whatever, see ya.” Ian quickly turned around and in that moment he could have sworn he saw a hint of a smile come from Mickey’s lips. Maybe he would have to come to this bookstore more from now on.


	2. with ears to see and eyes to hear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! so it looks like I'll be able to update every weekend, hope you enjoy this chapter!

After Ian had awkwardly ran out of the bookstore, he realized he had never actually gotten One For Sorrow, and he still really wanted the book. Also, he wanted to really see Mickey but that was never something he could explain to Lip.

_Hey, Lip, can we go back to WCB? I never got the book I wanted because I was distracted by Chicago’s version of Ryan Reynolds._

Ian could see it now, Lip would laugh so hard, tears would spill out his eyes. _“A pretentious Northside douchebag? Good luck, bucko. He probably wipes his own ass with hundred dollar bills.I heard Spikey was lonely, just give him a call.”_

Lip loved to give Ian shit about his past boyfriend from Freshman year, Roger Spikey, who literally had a donkey dick. Ian doesn’t like to think about that time in his life. Ian was cringing while reliving the unfortunate experiences with Roger Spikey when Lip interrupted his thoughts.

“Ay, I’m going to town. You need anything?” Lip dug around in his pocket for his wallet and his keys. Ian contemplated what to answer for two seconds before he went with his gut.

“Actually, yeah, can we go to the bookstore? I wasn’t able to find the book I wanted but there’s another one I want.”

“What were you doing the whole time we were there the other day? Jacking off to one of the cute workers in the storage closet?” Lip’s face curled into a smirk as Ians face turned as red as strawberries in the summer.

“No!” Ian stammered as he tried to catch his wording. “I just want a damn book, Jesus Lip.”

“Hey grandma I’m just messing with you, don’t get your panties in a twist. We’ll go to the damn bookstore. Maybe we'll get you a knitting station too. Knit your 'stick up your ass' anxieties away.” Lip shoved Ian’s shoulder playfully and headed to the car.

Ian’s face bloomed into a mixture of relief and happiness. The feeling of bliss quickly turned into fearfulness when Ian realized he didn’t have a plan to talk to Mickey. Guess he’d just have to wait and see. The car ride to the store seemed to take longer than it actually did, due to the butterflies of excitement and nervousness that floated freely in Ian’s veins.

This was more exciting than any plot twist created by any author. To any person that would be no big deal, but to Ian this was different. _Mickey was different_. Mickey made Ian feel like he had no air left in his lungs and Ian had cystic fibrosis for crying out loud.

As soon as Lip parked the car, Ian sprinted out to the store as fast as his lungs could take him.

As soon as he got two feet past the door, he ran smack into something soft but firm.

“ _What the fuck_ -Oh hey, it’s you again.”

When Ian looked up, he came face to face with eyes more mesmerising than Van Gogh.


	3. to be or not to be; flirting?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Unfortunately this will be my last update for a couple weeks, I will be leaving for Europe this Saturday where I will not have wifi for two weeks. I will be updating as soon as I return! I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

_When Ian looked down, he came face to face with eyes more mesmerizing than Van Gogh._

Okay, more like if someone with dark brown hair, clear blue eyes, and a permanent scowl was presumed “mesmerizing” to most people.

Today Mickey was wearing a black t-shirt underneath an opened pale blue and white striped button up with khakis once again. Ian thought he looked like garbage compared to Mickey, with his grey Chicago Cubs hoodie and faded jeans. Ian’s contacts were all gone, and he had to save up money to get a new prescription so until then he had to wear square bulky glasses.

Ian’s heart was continuing to burst out of his chest as he stood there, trying to rework his brain to connect to his mouth.

“Uhhh I uhh I um-”

“Uhh I uhh what? Just spit it out, cheese puff.” Mickey interjected as he walked to a bookshelf to restock some books in his hand.

The store was quiet today, with much less people than yesterday. There was a different atmosphere to the store, with the sunlight streaming in and the cool autumn air flowing in through the store, everything felt comfortable. Ian wasn’t used to comfortable, but he wouldn’t dismissed the luck he had just received.

Ian cautiously followed over to Mickey, eager to talk to him, but scared of his quick judgement and sharp remarks. Ian thought Mickey’s mouth was like a crocodile's, snappy and quick to catch the next victim, in Mickey’s perspective it was a wildcard insult thrown at the unsuspecting receiver.

“By the way, I found the book you were looking for. Looks like a fuckin’ snoozer if you ask me.” Mickey slapped the book into Ian’s unsuspecting hands, turning away to stack more books.

 _Fuck, I want to know what he reads. Is he an action guy, a mystery guy, or both? Or is he a secret sap? Goddamnit, I want to read him more than I want to read this book._ Ian snapped himself out of his own thoughts and figured if he was going to catch Mickey’s bait, it was better to do it now.

“So if you’re such a big shot on books, what books do you recommend?” Ian leaned against the bookstore with a smirk on his face, although on this inside he was far from confident.

Mickey turned around and scoffed, with a mocking look of dismay plastered on his face. He stacked the final book and leaned his shoulder on the bookshelf so he was facing Ian. Once Ian came face to face with Mickey’s eyes his breath literally caught in his throat, once again.

“Alright tough guy I don’t read Shakespeare or Voltaire or any of that scholarly shit but I think books should teach you somethin’ about life. Like the book Hatchet, you learn what to do if you ever get lost in the fuckin’ woods. Or To Kill a Mockingbird, you learn how bad racism actually was back then. Shit you need to know for life.” Mickey looked down for a moment, before his eyes caught the book in Ian’s hand. “Like this shit,” he said grabbing the book from Ian’s hand and shaking his head. The simple brush between their fingers sent a jolt through Ian. “The guy’s already fuckin’ dead! What are you gonna learn from this shit?”

“Why don’t you actually read the book before you judge it?” Ian was gaining confidence slowly and a smirk slowly played on his lips.

“Well shit, that sounds like a challenge. Well alright, I’ll read your fairytale book.” Mickey smirked and then looked down and his hands, playing with them.

Ian noticed the “Fuck-U-Up” inked on his knuckled and wondered what the initiative of those were.

“Fuck you up?” Ian asked with a laugh, examining Mickey’s hands. Without thinking, he grabbed one of Mickey’s hands to get a better look. Ian swear he felt electricity run through his body. Mickey quickly jerked his hand back as if he had burnt it on a hot surface.

_Stop being so stupid Ian, he doesn’t like you like that. He never will._

Ian quickly cleared his throat from embarrassment and slowly stepped back a few feet.

“My brother’s waiting, I should probably go,” Ian pointed his thumb back, signaling to the door. He tried so hard to mask the blatant disappointment in his voice and he was praying it worked.

Ian quickly walked to the register and paid for his book. When he looked back, he saw Mickey still standing at the same spot, with a weird, almost paralyzed look on his face. He almost went back to him, but instead he walked out the door and into Lip’s car, trying not to think about the fact that he won’t gain enough confidence to go back to the bookstore any time soon.


	4. As Shakespeare Once Said: "Oh, fuck".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm back from vacation! I tried to make this chapter longer to compensate for my time away! Hope you enjoy this one :) and now that I'm on summer vacation I should be able to update quicker :)

    Mickey doesn’t remember how long he stood there with a blank look on his face. Eventually, he snapped out of it and continued to stack books on the shelf.

   While stacking the books, he found another copy of _One For Sorrow_   and quickly shoved it in the back pocket of his jeans. He looked at the watch on his phone and saw that it read 6:45 P.M. which meant his shift was over. He walked over to his manager Liz and nodded to indicate that his shift was over.

     Liz smiled in return and waved goodbye. Mickey was pretty lucky to say the least when it came to working at the bookstore. He had a nice manager, the pay was decent, and now Ian.

 _Fuck, Ian._ Mickey didn’t know what he was going to do about Ian now, that kid had wrapped around his fingers. Mickey didn’t _hate_ being gay, but sometimes it became a real inconvenience. Especially now, when he was extremely attracted to this stringy, lanky, nerdy, carroty, motherfucker who may not even be gay. Mickey wasn’t a pussy though, he’d get over it.

    He walked up to the staff room, grabbed his coat, clocked out of his hours, and left. He always made sure to grab all of his belongings before clocking out to get that extra minute of money. Was that an asshole move? Well, yeah. Did he care? Hell no.

    Mickey walked out the door of the bookstore, the wind slapping him harder than Ian’s killer smile. _For fuck’s sake_. Could Mickey not go one minute without thinking about this kid? As he walked to his and Mandy’s apartment on the northern side of Chicago, he watched the people on the streets around him.

    He saw mothers with small children who wore puffy coats and gloves with red noses and rosy cheeks. They held their children's’ hands as they busied up and down the street, the little eyes of the children wide with amazement at the world around them.

    He saw teenagers roaming around with their friends, some holding hands and others pushing each other into walls or the street, all laughing and shouting. Mickey wondered it was like to feel that freedom.

   Mickey wondered what it felt like to be whole.

   Sure, he had Mandy and that was great. Mandy was his best friend, and he couldn’t live without her, but he still felt as if something was missing. He didn’t want to have to rely on others to make life whole, but having a person there would certainly help.

   He walked up the steps of his apartment complex, with each apartment lined up down the street. The apartments were made of red brick with grey roofs and two wide windows in the front. With Mandy working two jobs, one as a waitress and the other as a cosmetic artists at the local nail salon, they were able to live comfortably on their own. Their brothers, Iggy and Joey lived in central Chicago as video game designers for Xbox. Their mother had died when they were little due to a heroine overdose and their father was in jail yet again.

  “Mands, I’m home!” He called into the hall as he kicked off his shoes, sending them flying into the living room.

   Mandy walked into the living room wearing one of Mickey’s old Chicago Patrol sweatshirts.

   “Hey asshole, thanks for making yourself at home,” she smirked while picking up his shoes.

   “As long as I pay the bills I can kick my shoes wherever I damn please, thank you.” he shoved her playfully as he plopped on the couch.

   “Whatever. Anyways, I invited my friend and his brother over to eat dinner and watch a movie.” Mandy replied as she started to pull out pots and pans in the kitchen.

    “Ha, _friend_  huh?” Mickey said with sarcasm in his voice. It wasn’t very often that Mandy was just “friends” with someone of the opposite sex.

    “Shut up! I’m working on it okay,” Mandy replied as Mickey turned his head to see Mandy blushing while rolling her eyes. “Anyways, he's a college student studying robotics at University of Chicago. I met him at the diner".

    “Well _hot damn!_ We got fucking Bill Nye comin’ over! I better grab my tux!” Mickey snickered as he put his feet on the coffee table.

    Mandy walked over to Mickey and shoved his feet down from the table. He opened his mouth in protest when Mandy interrupted him.

     “Look, can you do me a favor and keep his brother company tonight? Just like, play video games with him or something.”

    Mickey groaned in protest “Mandy are you seriously gonna make me play Legos with some 8 year old all night?”

   “He’s 17, and he doesn’t have many friends. He’s extremely sick for fuck’s sake just think about someone other than yourself for once!” Mandy replied exasperatedly.

   Mickey felt like he was being a jerk especially knowing now that the kid was sick.

   “What kinda sickness does he got? Is it like cancer or some shit?” He asked, trying to show some sympathy.

   “No Mick, it’s cystic fibrosis. It’s when your lungs and trachea becomes clogged making it hard to breathe. He probably will only live till he’s 30 or so. Now if you excuse me, I have to make dinner.” Mandy stomped away while Mickey sat still on the couch.

    Mickey felt bad for the poor kid, he wasn’t much younger than Mickey and he was already slowly _dying._ The least Mickey do was make sure Mickey had fun for once.

     An hour passed, and at 8 the doorbell rang. Mandy excitingly ran to the door to open it. She had changed into a red summer dress with tights and boots; and had braided her hair. Mickey thought she looked beautiful, and hoped that asshole appreciated her effort as well.

    When she opened the door, a tall boy with brown wavy hair walked in and hugged her. Behind him walked in a tall boy with orange hair and glasses and-

 

_Oh, fuck._


	5. I Can't Breathe With You Around Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I've recently had some time to update so I wrote another chapter! I hope you guys like this one! Thank you guys so much for your kind and supporting words it really helps motivate me to keep on going! :)

"Do you want to come to Mandy's or not?" Lip asked almost in a frustrated tone.

"I mean you know I love Mandy, but what's the point? I'll just be third wheeling and pretending like I sitting there while you impregnate her in front of me. I kinda wanna be able to enjoy my food, thanks." Ian had been sitting on the couch, trying to break into _One For Sorrow._ "Can I just stay here and finish this book?"

Ian closed the book with a frustrated sigh and looked up at Lip, where he was standing up above Ian.

"Look, man. You can't put yourself on house arrest forever. I know you just got outta high school and you're trying to figure out what you wanna do with your life, but it's not gonna help if you sit here like some old person. There's more life outside then in the books, you know. It may not be an ideal life but it's life, and you can't let other people write yours for you." Lip clasped his hand on Ian's shoulder in a brotherly way to which Ian rolled his eyes, but did it carefully so Lip wouldn't see.

Ian shut his book shut and placed it on the coffee table next to him. "Fine, I'll go to dinner. But I swear, the minute you and Mandy start making babies on the dinner table I'm out." Ian smirked at Lip

Lip rolled his eyes in a playful manner and punched Ian on the shoulder.

"That's my boy. And look, I think her brother may be there so maybe you guys can like play video games or something. Like hang out and shit." Ian didn't seem too convinced, but he figured he'd believe Lip for once.

Ian grabbed his converse and shoved them on, grabbed his glasses from the table and shoved a hand through his hair to mess it up a bit. He was wearing a forest green crew neck sweater, dark jeans, and navy blue converse. Lip was wearing black jeans, and a red button up shirt.

They climbed into Lip's beat up old car and drove to the North Side, past the bookstore, and down the streets of apartments. Ian thought about Mickey and wondered what he was up to, whether he was alone or if he was with some pretty girl in a club downtown. Ian tried to not think about that, but he couldn't help being frustrated at the fact that he felt as though he wasn't good enough for Mickey.Mickey probably wanted someone tough, someone to match his "Fuck-U-Up" tattoo.

Lip parked on the street next to a row of brick apartments. He got out of the car which signaled to Ian that this was most definitely Mandy's apartment. Ian had just met Mandy a few months ago, but he already loved her. Lip treated her like a princess so that told Ian that Lip liked Mandy a whole lot.

Ian had never been to Mandy's apartment, so he was a little nervous and intimidated. Lip walked up the steps and Ian trailed slowly behind him, instantly regretting this decision and wishing he could just go home and curl up with his book.

Ian followed Lip inside and stood by the door as Mandy greeting Lip hello. Ian could feel someone's eyes on him, so he scanned his eyes around the apartment, taking it in.

Then his eyes made it to the couch in the living room, and his eyes made eye contact with- _Oh hell no._ No no no. This can't be. It was Mickey. Mickey from the bookstore. Mickey that occupied his every thought. _Mickey_.

Ian quickly broke eye contact and looked away before Mandy grabbed him into a hug. "Hey Ian! How's it going? How are you!" Mandy squeezed Ian and put her head on his shoulder.

Mandy always had a soft spot for Ian and he never knew why.

"I'm good Mands, how are you?" He smiled back, wanting to appear as un-awkward as possible.

"Mick! Get your lazy ass off the couch and come say hello!" Mandy waved Mickey over and Ian thought he felt his heart stop.

_No no no it's okay, we don't have to say hello it's all okay._

Mickey grumbled a few incoherent words before he got himself up from the couch and walked over.

"Mickey, this is Lip's younger brother Ian Gallagher. Ian, this is my older brother Mickey!" She clapped her hands excitingly and beamed.

Lip said Mandy always got gushy during parties and get-togethers.

Ian nodded his head in an awkward gesture as to greet Mickey. Mickey did the same but this time he grunted as if to say hello.

"Lip wanna help me finish dinner?" Before Lip could answer, Mandy was dragging him to the kitchen.

Mickey and Ian continued to stand there awkwardly, figuring out what to say next. Before either of them had a warning, Ian broke the silence.

"So you're her-" Ian started to ask before Mickey interjected

"Yeah. And you're his-"

"Yeah." Ian continued to stare at his shoes, trying to figure out what the hell to say next.

"Uh- you know how to play Call of Duty?" Mickey asked in a way that was both a question and a statement.

"Yeah I don't live under a rock, man. I have three brothers and a sister who used to kick all of our asses at the age of 8 at that game." Ian chuckled at the memory of Debbie falling all over the couch while screaming 'Eat my ass!' While the other three tried to catch up.

"Whatever man, with all that fucking Dr. Suess you read I would've assumed you didn't have time to do anything well- fun." Mickey smirked at Ian while applauding himself for his own witty comment.

"Hey man, screw you. I grew up on the South Side, I know more fun than you can fit in the pocket of your prissy designer jeans."

"If Target is considered prissy and designer, then I'm real concerned as to where you shop at," Mickey retorted while heading to the couch "Now where don't you put your money where your mouth is and watch yourself get whooped at COD."

On the outside, Ian flipped him off with a challenging smirk on his face. On the inside, Ian was squealing like a little kid. He didn't know if this was considered flirting or just chatting, his social skills weren't that up to par. But whatever it was, he liked it. He liked it a whole lot.

They sat there and played video games for what feels like forever. The only sounds that entered that living room where cries of remorse and protests. "Fuck you"'s and "eat my shit"'s occupied the space in between the couch cushion.

For once Ian didn't feel like he needed to be alone.

For once Mickey almost felt whole.

It was forty minutes later when Mandy called them to the table, and they all sat down; eating Mandy's famous mac & cheese and laughing over stupid jokes that Lip made.

Sitting there, Ian felt like he was in a weird version of home. He felt like this was a dream, with a dream home, and a dream family. He was in a daze of utter bliss and he would be damned if this feeling ever left.

But this was reality, and all things good eventually had to come to an end. Ian knew he was being dramatic, but he felt the urge to steal glue and glue his butt to the chair so he would not have to leave dinner.

Mandy brought some cartons of ice cream which stalled some time and Ian swore he saw Mickey pour an entire bottle of chocolate syrup on his ice cream. Ian gave him a look as to ask what the hell he was doing and Mickey just flipped him off and continued pouring.

They all helped Mandy clean up afterwards and Mickey called to Ian.

"Hey carrot top! Are you gonna help me clean up these video games or what?"

Ian knew Mickey didn't need help cleaning up the video games, but he obliged and walked over to where Mickey was anyways.

"You need help cleaning up video games?" Ian asked with a smirk, his eyebrows raised.

"Hey man, fuck you." Mickey looked to the ground nervously before muttering something in a fast hush. "Doyouhaveacellphone?"

"Do I have a what?" Ian asked, a smile forming on his face. _"A cell phone_ , you dipshit. You know the thing you call and text people on."

At this point Mickey was completely engrossed on picking up the video games on the floor.

"Of course I have a cell phone, I don't live under a rock." Ian retorted, bending down to pick up some of the disks that had fallen.

Mickey didn't say anything but instead dug in his back pocket and pulled out a golden iPhone 5 and handed it to Ian.

Ian started at him and Mickey motioned his hand as to say _you know what to do._ Ian quickly entered in his number and put the cute cow face emoji next to his name, because he was just weird like that. Mickey looked at the contact, shaking his head and shoving his phone back in his old pocket.

Mickey continued to say nothing so Ian figured that the talking for the night was done.

Then, Mickey got up and looked Ian in the eye.

"Why didn't you tell me you were sick." Mickey said in an almost accusing tone.

"I- _what?_ " Ian stepped back, almost tripping over his feet. _This could not be happening, no way._

"Why didn't you tell me that you were like dying or whatever." Mickey was looking next to Ian but not directly at him.

"First of all, I'm not dying, I don't know who told you that. And second of all I'm not even that sick. It's not that big of a deal. I-" Ian's voice faltered as he gave up trying to prove himself.

Before Mickey could reply, Lip called Ians name and told them that they had to go home.

Before Ian could blink, he was out the door, out into the cold streets of Chicago.


	6. "I'm Such A Mess When I'm In Your Prescence"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, thank you so much for all your positive support and feedback! I worked hard on this chapter, I hope you like it! :)

“Inhale….hold it….hold it...release.”

     The nurse glanced tentatively at Ian as he exhaled into the breathing tube.

     “That's it, good job. Lets try again a few more times until you get tired.” She reset the Breathalyzer and nodded at Ian to start again.

“Inhale...hold it...hold...almost there...release”

    “Nice, good work Ian. Do you want to try one more time for good luck?” She smiled warmly at him as he looked at her with flushed cheeks.

     “Yeah...yeah I’ll try it again.” He smiled back at her, trying to reassure both the nurse and himself.

      “There's my fighter,” The nurse said smiling at Ian and putting a hand on his shoulder before resetting the Breathalyzer. 

“Inhale….c’mon Ian hold it hold it hold it-”

  Ian quickly broke away from the Breathalyzer before sputtering and coughing up a storm. The nurse looked at him with guilt and lightly patted his back. 

   “I think we might’ve pushed you too hard, it's okay; we still got good results. You’ve improved since last time and you seem to be doing fine without an oxygen tube.” She smiled at him reassuringly and went to shuffle some papers. “I’ll have the results in a few days and I’ll give Fiona a call, does that sound  good?”

   “Yeah, sounds perfect. Thanks Holly.” Ian smiled and waved and headed out the door into the waiting room to wait for Lip.

    Ever since Ian was taken off of an oxygen tank when he was 15, he had to go to the North Side Chicago Hospital to get a Breathalyzer test. The results were usually pretty good, and showed that Ian could manage fine without an oxygen tank; but sometimes the results were bad, and Ian would have to stay at the hospital for the week. Ian hated when that happened. Lip and Fiona would run around like they were chickens with their heads cut off, hoping and  praying  that Ian would stay awake. 

    Ian was in the waiting room, waiting until Lip picked him up. Honestly, Ian just wanted to go home and take a long nap. He hated to admit it, but those Breathalyzer tests always made him exhausted.  Ian was counting the amount of red chairs compared to the amount of blue chairs when his phone buzzed with a text.

**  
  
**

Where are you?

Ian didn’t recognize the number, but he decided to reply anyways.

Ian: Right now? I’m at the hospital.

Why? What are you doing there?

Ian figured this had to be someone he knew, because if they person didn’t know him they may have figured it was a wrong number.

Ian: Monthly Breathalyzer test. 

I’m sorry about the other day. 

Mickey? Shit. 

Ian: Don’t worry about it. 

I wasn’t worrying in the first place.

Ian smirked. This was most definitely Mickey on the other end. Before Ian began to type a reply, another text buzzed in on his phone.

My shift is over in 10. You drink beer?

Ian: Yeah, I’m a pretty respectable drunk if I do say so myself 

 

   Ian added a laughing face emoji to the end of the text before he sent it, and smiled to himself. He didn’t want to think this was a date, he didn’t want to get his hopes up. Just as Lip texted Ian that he was in the parking lot, he received another text.

Mickey: stfu.

      Ian snickered and pocketed his phone. He hated to admit it, but anything Mickey did sparked a reaction in Ian. Even a stupid text. Ian walked out of the waiting room to Lip’s car. 

     “What’s got ya all smiley, ginger spice?” Lip smirked while chewing gum.

      “None of your damn business, Phillis.” Ian smiled and ducked as Lip punched him on the arm.

 

 “So I uh, I told Mandy I’d take her out to coffee, so do you mind if I just drop you off at the bookstore or somethin’?” Lip gave Ian a hopeful and sheepish look as they continued down into town.

 

 

 

Perfect.

    “Actually yeah, that would be perfect! Thanks Lip.” Ian looked out the window so Lip couldn't see that he was blushing profusely.

    “Hey, did you know Mickey works there; Mandy’s brother? Maybe you guys could chill or something.” Lip was looking ahead of him, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. 

 

   “ Mickey?  Into books?” Ian pretended to act surprised. “He just didn’t seem like that type of person.”

    “Hey man, don’t discredit him. He’s real smart apparently. Taking literature and writing classes at some college near here or somethin’. At least that's what Mands told me.”

Damn.  Ian didn’t know that Mickey had been taking classes or anything, and he was….impressed. A little guilty for not associating Mickey with any type of education, but needless to say he was impressed.

    “Good for him; I wish I could be that resilient.” Ian replied.

      “Hey,” Lip replied in a reprimanding tone. “You know damn well that you can do anything you set your mind too. Doesn’t matter if you have trouble breathing sometimes, all you need is ambitious and I know you got some hidden in that grapefruit head of yours.” Lip ruffled Ian’s hair as he stopped the car in front of the bookstore.

   “Thanks, jackass.” Ian replied with a playful smile as he stepped out of the car. 

“See ya later, douchewad.” Lip flipped him off before driving away, leaving Ian in front of the store.

   Ian took a deep breath and adjusted his glasses and jacket before walking in the store.  I’m so whipped, Betty Crocker wouldn’t even bake me in a damn cake.

  Ian headed to the back of the bookstore, hiding himself in the poetry section until he saw Mickey. If Ian was being honest, Mickey intimidated the living  hell out of Ian; and he couldn’t figure out why. Maybe it was the fact that Mickey always looked like he would beat the shit out of you if you approached him, even with his tiny 5’6” frame. Or, maybe it was the fact that the ink that laced his knuckles threatened to do the very thing.

   “Don’t tell me you’re into poetry now, that stuffs for teenage boys and geriatrics.” 

    Ian whipped his head around to find Mickey staring at him with a look of half disgust and half amusement

 

 

  “What the- oh.  Mickey! I-uh hey Mickey.” Ian tried to reply as casual as possible, but it obviously didn’t work because Mickey just gave him the same amused look. 

“Anyways, my shift’s over so lets just go to the park or some shit.” Mickey said while attempting to show as little emotion as possible. Mickey picked up his backpack and slung it over his shoulder while starting to walk to the door.

  Ian nodded and followed Mickey out of the bookstore. Mickey lead Ian up streets and passed stores until they reached a big open park. The park was full of trees and benches and mini gardens of flowers. It was nearing 7 pm; so most of the families had left to go home from their daily activities. Mickey found an open spot on the grass and plopped down his backpack; and then sat down on the ground next to it. Ian sat down on the other side of the backpack, careful to give Mickey space.

   Mickey gave Ian a skeptical look as to why he was spaced so far away, but then quickly shook his head in dismissal. He reached into his backpack and grabbed two cans of beer, handing one to Ian. They both cracked open their beer cans at the same time, the sound filling the empty space between them. 

    Their first beer was quiet, just enjoying the space and enjoying the fact that there was no pressure to do anything. They could just be. Mickey dug out two more cans of beer and handed one to Ian. Ian started to feel the alcohol flow through his veins and he finally spoke.

  “Why don’t I know anything about you?” Ian asked, tilting his head towards Mickey

 

 

  “The fuck you mean?” Mickey replied, he wasn’t quite drunk yet but he was nearing a tipsy phase.

  “I know your name is Mickey, you live in Chicago, you have a sister named Mandy and you beat people up.” Ian giggled, clearly tipsy at this point.

   “Fuck you man, I’m way cooler than that.” Mickey smirked as he downed more of his beer.

   “Are you a lady killer, Mickey?” Ian asked with a smirk

   “Nah man. Girls want too much. I know that from Mandy. When you’re dating a girl, you always have to be ready to apologize, even if you didn’t do shit wrong. They’re either too happy or too sad.” Mickey answered with a drunken burp.

    “Then who do you date?” Ian asked with genuine curiosity. Normally he wouldn’t ask questions like this, but the alcohol was doing a number on him.

    “I don’t got time for that mushy pussy shit.” Mickey flailed his hands around for emphasis.

     “Fair enough.” Ian answered with a burp. Although he was disappointed, he was just happy that Mickey allowed him in his company. He decided to just change the subject completely. “What about your family? I mean I know you live with Mandy but where’s everyone else?”

     “I have two brothers; Iggy and Joey. They work for a video gaming company in central Chicago. My dads serving life in jail and my mom’s dead.” Mickey spoke that sentence like any other sentence he had spoken that night. Nothing phased him anymore.

    “You have a dead mom too?” Ian asked softly.

      “Um, yeah. She died of a heroin overdose when I was 15.” Mickey answered, staring at the ground.

      “Mine died when I was 15 too, from a drunk driving accident.” Ian said, masking his emotions similar to Mickey. It was easier with alcohol. 

 

 

    “That sucks.” Mickey was still staring at the ground

    “It would suck more if she hadn’t been the one who was drunk.” Ian said with disgust.

 

 

They sat in silence for a while after that, drinking beer and simply existing. Ian increasingly became more and more drunk, letting the alcohol seep through him. He wanted Mickey to know who he was, who he truly was but he didn’t know how. They say people become increasingly more brave when they’re drunk. Ian didn’t know whether that was a blessing or a curse. 

    In Ian’s case, it was most likely going to become a curse.

 

 

    “I’m gay.” Ian blurted into the silence, breaking the barrier they once had around them. Before Mickey could answer, Ian got a text from Lip saying he was going to pick him up at the bookstore. 

    “I have to go.” Ian stuttered before he stumbled on his feet and out of the park, leaving Mickey to sit there wondering what the hell had just happened.

**  
  
**


	7. Ad Infinitum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! I really enjoy this chapter and I hope you do as well! As of right now, I'm working three jobs while doing other summer homework, so I'll try to update weekly but it ay be a day or two later than usual!

     We stayed in bed for a while, listening to our breathing, not sure of what or if we should have done it, but also it wasn’t like we had done everything possible so I didn’t feel all that worried. I was thinking about the word sunflower and how it had to smell like sunflowers, like Gracie, because the word kept coming into my head. Not the sound of the word but the image, the word itself: sunflower. I saw the rocks lining the shelf of Gracie’s room and remembered the pink quartz heart I’d stolen.  I decided I should give it back, but not right away. I’d wait and see how things developed.  There were plenty of other things I could collect without stealing. Words even. Those would be good.  No one else wanted them, so I’d collect them. My first word would be ad infinitum, I decided, and my second would be sunflower.

 

     Ian closed the book, placed it on the table next to his bed and groaned. He picked up his pillow and shoved it on his face, breathing in the scent of laundry detergent. It smelled like home and lavender. In a sensible world, Ian would’ve thought about a pretty girl who smelled like cinnamon and wore long pink dresses. But  no, the world had taunted Ian and made him fall for a Northside, cigarettes and coffee, rude ass fucker. And Ian wouldn’t take back a single minute of it. As Ian sat in bed, contemplating about his life, he decided that Mickey most likely smelt like fire. The fire that came from crystal clear summer nights, as bonfires occupied almost every house. The same type of fire that spread warmth in your house throughout the cold winter months and crept into your lungs. The fire that also causes destruction, breaking apart everything in it’s sight as it rips through the forest. 

 

     Ian remembered that fire in French was  le feu,  from when Fiona took French during high school when Ian was younger. She would sit him and Lip down on the carpet, trying to teach them French. One day when Fiona was teaching them animals, she taught them “the seal” which inevitably was  le phoque which when said out loud sounds like “le fuck”. Lip thought that was the most amazing thing in the universe, and ran around the house screaming  “le phoque! le phoque!”. 

 

 

    “Ian! Breakfast!” Ian heard Fiona call. Ian groaned and looked at the watch next to his bed. He saw that the clock read 9:00 A.M. and figured he might as well start his day. He walked down the stairs to find Fiona and Lip sitting around the table with cups of coffee and bowls of cereal while Liam played with his cheerios. 

 

     “Hey, bud” He said to Liam as he ran his hand over Liam's smooth head.

     “Ian!” Liam called out as he hugged Ian's stomach.

     “How ya doin?” He asked playfully before he started to cough harshly. 

 

 

      Fiona flashed Ian a concerned look. “Ian, you’ve been taking your inhaler and meds right?”

      “Fiona, I’m eighteen you don’t have to worry about me.” Ian replied in a soft tone.

      Lip took a big sip of coffee and then put his mug back on the table, staring at Ian with a slightly annoyed look. “Alright then, if you’re eighteen it’s time to start acting like it right? It won’t kill you to take your meds but it’ll kill you if you don’t.” Lip reprimanded, punching Ian on the shoulder playfully. 

     Ian felt his eyes roll into the back of his head. He knew Lip and Fiona just wanted to make sure he was okay, he just hated still being treated like he was recently diagnosed. He’s had this damn disease for what, over five years now? He could certainly handle himself. He walked over to the medicine cabinet and swallowed his pills dry. He didn’t care, he was a big boy now. He took his inhaler, shook it up, and then took a few puffs. He tried to make the sound as loud as possible to annoy Lip. Instead, Lip laughed at the way Ian’s cheeks puffed out and Ian just flipped Lip off. He swished some water in his mouth, spit it out, and grabbed a bagel. 

   “I have to go to the local community college to pick some things up, would you wanna come with me? ” Lip asked with his mouth full of cereal.  Doesn’t Mickey take classes at the local community college?

 

 

“I got nothin’ else to do,” Ian replied. Ian would be damned if he saw Mickey today though, he prayed Mickey wasn’t taking classes today.

   “I just gotta pick up a couple of engineering books that they don’t have at my school.”

    “Are you sure the community college will let you do it?” Ian asked, leaning against the counter and fiddling with his phone.  No texts from Mickey.

 “I don’t see why they wouldn’t. I’ll find my way around it if they have a problem.” Lip winked, while slurping down more coffee. Ian believed Lip when he said that, Lip was a determined fucker; he always found a way.

    “Alright boys,” Fiona said through her last bite of cereal. “I gotta get to work but I’ll see you boys later, and Lip don’t get in trouble with the college okay? I don’t need another phone call from a professor saying you sprayed whipped cream down their pants.” Fiona smirked as she tried to maintain a firm tone.

 

 

     The three of them laughed as they remember the phone call Fiona received. 

“Miss Fiona Gallagher? It appears as though your brother Phillip was in a quarrel with Mr. Howard and sprayed uh, ‘Reddi Whip’ down his pants. We ask that you please pick up Phillip before he obtains more items to put down Mr. Howard’s pants.”

 

 

 Fiona left with Liam and headed out the door. Lip gulped down the rest of his coffee before brushing his teeth in the bathroom. 

     “Alright hotshot let’s head out of here,” Lip called with a smirk. 

Ian trudged behind him as his nerves grew bigger and bigger. He really hoped he wouldn’t run into Mickey, not especially now that Mickey knows he's’ gay. Ian and Lip hopped in the car, and Lip drove them past the town, past the bookstore, and into where the college was. The air was cool and crisp which Ian ever so appreciated, Ian loved the cold because he could wear long flannels and jackets.

       Lip pulled into the college parking lot, and Ian scoped his eyes over the campus. It was in a deserted area, with lots of green grass and a couple of buildings. It was honestly a very nice campus, and Ian wouldn’t mind going here one day. They entered the library and Lip nodded at Ian as if to say “Go, look around”. Ian went to the classic literature section to see if they had anything good. Ian would never admit it, but he was a sap for anything classic. Jane Eyre, To Kill A Mockingbird, you named it and Ian probably loved it.

“Gallagher?!” Ian heard someone hiss, and  oh fuck it couldn’t be.

        Ian started to fast walk away as quickly as he could, he  was in a library; he had to be polite. Mickey caught up before Ian could make a quick getaway.  Goddamn you, library rules . Ian silently cursed himself. He felt Mickey tug on his arm and quickly he was being spun around by a surprised Mickey.

      “Gallagher what the  fuck  are you doing here?” Mickey asked in an exasperated tone.

       “Lip-books-college-I can I can explain.” Ian rambled on his words getting increasingly more nervous. “I’ll be leaving in like two seconds okay I-”

       “Hey, stop look you don’t have to- hey.” Mickey interrupted Ian. Ian stood silent, nervously staring past Mickey in an attempt to avoid eye contact. “I’m not gonna hurt you Jesus fuck Gallagher what kind of monster do you think I am? Look, I don’t give two shits if you’re gay. I was gonna text you but I was busy with class and Mandy and fuck man I really hope you didn’t think I would be an ass to you because you’re gay. That shit’s not in my nature." Mickey rambled, looking frustrated. 

      “I'm-I’m sorry it’s happened before okay I don’t like to tell people because sometimes it turns out weird and it’s just better if people don’t know.” Ian said quietly, staring at the ground.

 

 

   “You know how I said my dad was in jail?” Mickey asked in a low voice.

    “Uh yeah, I don’t see how this has to do with-”

   “My dad is sentenced to life in jail for child abuse charges. No one really knew about it until I was sixteen and he caught me with another boy. He broke my nose, some of my cheekbones and three of my ribs. I almost died from the blood loss. I was shipped off to live with my aunt until I was old enough to get my own place.” Mickey mumbled, looking Ian in the eye.

 

 

 

   “Fuck. Fuck oh my god I’m so sorry I-”

   “Save it. I don’t want your pity party, I figure you’ve got some of your own similar shit as well. I normally don’t tell people shit like this but I figured….I figured you’d get it.” Mickey looked like a puppy, and Ian wanted to hug him until all the bad things went away. Ian grabbed for Mickey’s hand, but Mickey quickly pulled away.

   “Not here….just not here,” Mickey said and Ian nodded understandingly. Mickey quickly dragged Ian by his hand into one of the rows of books. Before Ian knew what was happening, Mickey quickly stood on his tiptoes and pressed his lips on Ians. Ian could’ve sworn he saw stars, he hadn’t kissed anyone since Roger but this felt so different. He put his free hand on Mickey’s back and tried to not scream into Mickey’s mouth.

 

**  “I’ll text you,” Mickey whispered into Ian's ear. When Ian blinked, Mickey was gone.   
**   


 

****  
**   
**


	8. “All is for the best in the best of possible worlds.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I worked really hard on this chapter, so I hope you'll enjoy it! I may not be able to update until next Monday/Tuesday because I will be away from home. Thank you guys for reading and leaving wonderful comments!! :)

   Mickey’s heartbeat pounded in his ears that night after the library. He had been sitting on his torn up mattress for the past hour, attempting to read Candide by Voltaire for class while listening to random Pandora music. Mickey didn’t understand why he had to read this old ass snooze fest for class anyways. Don’t get him wrong, Mickey loved classic literature, but this book was just...strange. This Candide character was convinced he knew the key to happiness or whatever, and if he had everything he ever wanted he would reach eternal happiness. Doesn’t he get that life doesn't work that way? If you keep running everywhere on your ass expecting to find the golden fuckin’ treasure, you’re not gonna find anything. You’re gonna die with the sun burning your back as you melt into the pavement wondering why you even left home in the first place.  What makes Mickey even more angry is that this Candide dude finds the “city of gold” and after he gets there and sees the city covered in gold, he realizes he still isn't happy. No shit, bucko! Didn't your parents ever teach you that you can’t rely on material objects for happiness? Fuckin’ dumbass.

 

        _“What a pessimist you are!” exclaimed Candide_

_“That is because I know what life is,” said Martin. **  
**_

_******** _

 Mickey grabbed his notebook from next to him and reached for the pen tucked behind his ear.

 

  

 

                    Candide Notes

  * _Candide is a dumb ass bitch._

  * _Martin knows what’s up._




 

     ****

       Mickey was about to add more when Mandy barged into his room.

    “Hey,” she said breathlessly. Mickey looked up and saw Mandy wearing a royal blue spaghetti strap summer dress and her black hair was pulled into a loose ponytail. She wore a black jean jacket over her shoulders and black sandals to match. Mickey thought she looked really pretty, and if she was nice to him he might actually tell her that.

   “What,” he replied, looking back down at his book and continuing to pretend he was busy by doodling on his notes.

     “I’m going on a date with Lip.” she trailed off waiting for Mickey to reply.

  

     “Good grief! My little Mandy? On a date? Oh heavens save me!” Mickey replied as the sarcasm oozed down his throat. Mandy strutted over to Mickey and yanked the book from his hands. “Hey!” he protested, trying to grab it back. Curse his short arms. “ _What do you want_ , Mandy?”

     “How long has it been?” she asked coolly.

     “Since what?” Mickey shot back, already not liking where this was going.

     “Since you felt something Mickey. Since you locked yourself in your room and choked your feelings with those twelve ton literary textbooks. You can’t spend your life in here forever Mickey, you need to get yourself out there and experience life. You need to find someone who helps you feel alive again. Are you just going to forget James ever-”

    “Don’t say it,” Mickey muttered bitterly.

     “It's been _four years_. Four years Mickey. So what, you’re gay. Who the fuck cares. Dad’s in jail, he can’t do shit now. I know it hurts and it sucks but you can’t lived the rest of your life tucked away in a safe corner because of something that happened four fucking years ago.” Mandy huffed as she started to head out of Mickey's room. “I have to go meet Lip. I’ll be back whenever. Do yourself a favor, and go check out that gay bar down the street.”

     _Gay bar my ass_ , Mickey muttered to himself and then groaned when he realized how actually gay that sounded. Why did Jesus have to make him a bottom?

   “What can be more absurd than choosing to carry a burden that one really wants to throw to the ground? To detest, and yet to strive to preserve our existence? To caress the serpent that devours us and hug him close to our bosoms till he has gnawed into our hearts?”

     Mickey’s head was drooping to the side as he felt more and more tired while reading. He looked over to the alarm clock on the desk next to his bed that read 10:45 P.M. For Christ’s sake, he muttered to himself. Thank god he didn’t have any classes tomorrow and just work. He put Candide back down on his desk and closed his eyes, listening to the music flow through his ear buds.

      

_Ah, look at all the lonely people_

_Ah, look at all the lonely people_

_Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been_

_Lives in a dream_

_Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door_

_Who is it for?_

_All the lonely people_

_Where do they all come from?_

_All the lonely people_

_Where do they all belong?_

_Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear_

_No one comes near_

_Look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there_

_What does he care?_

_All the lonely people_

_Where do they all come from?_

_All the lonely people_

_Where do they all belong?_

_Ah, look at all the lonely people_

_Ah, look at all the lonely people_

_Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name_

_Nobody came_

_Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave_

_No one was saved_

_All the lonely people (Ah, look at all the lonely people)_

_Where do they all come from?_

_All the lonely people (Ah, look at all the lonely people)_

_Where do they all belong_

  Mickey felt a harsh vibration against his chest and picked up his phone, squinting his eyes in confusion. Who the hell would be texting him, especially this late at night? The only people who really text him are Mandy, his coworkers, his boss, and _fuck, Ian._

**Ian:** Mickey

Mickey hesitated a moment before replying

**Mickey:** What

**Ian:** oh shit I didn’t think you’d actually reply.

Mickey scoffed at the message.

**Mickey:** Some people actually get past the seventh grade, shocker I know

**Ian:** okay anyways

**Ian:** we have to talk

**  
** Mickey did a double take at the screen. What the fuck does he want to talk about? Well, I mean there was the library but, but it wasn’t a big deal right? Ian was a big boy he could handle it. What did he want? Ian to arrive at his door every morning with Starbucks and kiss him on the cheek like some fuckin’ housewife?

 

**Mickey:** about

 

**Ian:** today….everything.

 

**Mickey:** okay you can talk

****

Mickey didn’t mean to be such a pain in the ass to Ian, it’s just he doesn’t remember how to do this.

****

**Ian:** can I see you in person? I feel childish talking about this over text.

 

**Mickey:** ya sure come over

****

Mickey couldn’t believe he had just invited Ian over, but he wasn’t that opposed to seeing Ian either. Maybe Mandy was right, maybe he did need to figure things out.

****

**Ian:** Lip took the car

 

**Mickey:** Well congrats to you there is a thing called public transport.

 

**Ian:** Fuck you, I’ll be there in 20.

****

Mickey flopped back on his bed and continued to listen to music while reading until Ian came. He would never admit, but he felt anxious for Ian to come. He hadn’t had a boy over since James, and he was scared Terry was gonna pop through his window any minute.

****

_Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise_

_Run in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies_

_And if, you don't love me now_

_You will never love me again_

_I can still hear you saying_

_You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)_

_And if, you don't love me now_

_You will never love me again_

_I can still hear you saying_

_You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)_

_Listen to the wind blow down comes the night_

_Running in the shadows damn your love, damn your lies_

_Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light_

_And if, you don't love me now_

_You will never love me again_

_I can still hear you saying_

_You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)_

_And if, you don't love me now_

_You will never love me again_

_I can still hear you saying_

_You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)_

_And if, you don't love me now_

_You will never love me again_

_I can still hear you saying_

_You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)_

_Chain keep us together, running in the shadow_

_Chain keep us together, running in the shadow_

_Chain keep us together, running in the shadow_

_Chain keep us together, running in the shadow_

_Chain keep us together, running in the shadow_

_Chain_

****

  Mickey had almost fallen asleep when he heard a timid knock at the door. Little pussy needs to learn to knock like a man, Mickey thought to himself while smirking as he walked to the door. He opened the door and saw Ian standing there, in an old Chicago Bears snowcap with poms attached by strings,  a black hoodie, jeans and big chunky boots. Mickey wanted to chuckle at Ian’s appearance, but he knew he had to keep warm for his lungs. Ian’s cheeks were extremely red against his pale face and his eyes were brighter than ever.

****

 “How was the ride,” Mickey asked, a smirk plastered on his face.

****

  “Cold, thanks.” Ian retorted.  Mickey headed to the fridge and Ian awkwardly followed him, thanking him when Mickey handed him a beer.  “Mickey, we need to talk.” Ian stated firmly.

****

   Mickey looked up at him, an amused expression on his face. “I’m listening,” he replied as he headed over to the couch and Ian followed him. Ian sat down next to Mickey and looked at him hesitantly as Mickey cracked open his beer.

 

  “Mickey what is this?” Ian asked.

****

    “What is what?” Mickey replied with raised eyebrows. He knew he was being a shit but he wanted to see what Ian would do.

****

      “This,” Ian said gesturing between himself and Mickey. Mickey had turned on the TV to a random sports station and had his eyes glued to the screen. After a moment of thick silence, he replied.

****

      “Whatever you want it to be, Ian.”

****

       “But what does that even mean? I know you had-issues with relationships in the past and-”

****

        “Look Ian, you and I both know I’m shit at this stuff. This affection and relationship stuff. Doesn’t mean I don’t like it. Doesn’t mean I don’t like you,” Mickey cut him off, staring at the ground. “This ‘thing’ between us or whatever is totally up to you. You want to find someone who’s over-the-top homosexual and loves public displays of affection? You go and find em’. You want to stay with me? You stay with me and we figure somethin’ out. It ain’t rocket science.”

****

    Ian looked at Mickey dumbfounded for a minute before he put down his beer and grabbed Mickey by the shirt, pulling him into a kiss. Mickey made a weird squeak noise in surprise and Ian laughed into his mouth. It felt like heaven and hell all at the same time. When they broke apart, Mickey looked Ian in the eye with an amused look on his face.

****

    “Now I have a question for you,” Mickey stated, his face extremely close to Ian’s.

****

   “What?” Ian replied, a goofy smile plastered on his face.

****

   “Do you want to watch Monty Python, or Monty Python?”

****

    “I’d have to say Monty Python. Nothing like some Andre the Giant for a Tuesday night.”

****  
  
****

   _“Optimism," said Cacambo, "What is that?" "Alas!" replied Candide, "It is the obstinacy of maintaining that everything is best when it is worst.”_

**__ **

 

 

     

****  
  
****


	9. Oh Baby, I Think I Wanna Marry You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm back! I hope you're all enjoying your last bit of summer before school starts, I know I am! I'm getting excited seeing all of the cast pictures being posted, I think this seasons gonna be great! Hope you all like this chapter :)

                   Ian Gallagher has a boyfriend.

                     _Ian Gallagher has a boyfriend._

                   ** _Ian Gallagher has a boyfriend_**.

      Ian knew he was acting like a middle schooler, but he couldn’t help it.There was finally a boy that Ian had been infatuated with who had managed to like him back. In the Southside, being gay meant getting your balls chopped off. Or, your boobs chopped off if you were a girl. Both sounded extremely painful, so it was easier to just pretend. The only boy Ian ever “hooked” up with was Roger Spikey, and Ian didn’t even know Roger was gay until he slammed Ian against a gym locker and kissed him till he saw stars. Ian was excited at first, he was a freshman and he had finally figured out his sexuality. He learned quickly though that he would become Roger’s secret puppet, and Roger would always refuse to be seen in public with Ian, because their relationship was “only for their eyes” as Roger would say. Ian grew sick of it very quickly, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to find anyone else for a while, so he stayed mum. Needless to say, when Roger came up to Ian after fourth block english class before Christmas break to tell him that their relationship wasn’t working; Ian didn’t shed a tear. Not one. Instead he nodded to Roger, bid him and his family a good Christmas break, and headed home where he would read Marvel comics for the next four hours.

       

     Ian was laying in bed, wondering what the hell to do.  He continued to dwell deep in his own dreams of a day where he could have his own home, and he could write as many stories as he wanted. He dug out his journal from underneath his desk and started to sketch a draft of his dream house. Ian’s journal was a secret place to keep all of his crazy ideas for stories or any other dreams he had. He told Lip that the journal contained all of his gay sex fantasies so he wouldn’t try to snoop around in Ian’s journal. It’s not like there were some dark growing secrets in there, but there were some things Ian just didn’t want to share. Things like he hated taking his inhaler because it makes him feel weak. Things like when Monica died he went to the abandoned warehouse and smashed all the windows with a baseball bat so he could block out the sound of her sweet voice. Things like he feared that nothing good ever lasts. He had created almost an entire floor plan before Lip barged in his room.

 

     “Ian,” Lip said breathlessly.

 

     “Phillip,” Ian replied with a smirk. Normally Lip would’ve told him to fuck off, but he had other things in mind. Lip walked over to Ian’s bed, his expression a mixture between dazed and confused.

 

     “I think I want to marry Mandy.” He stated, looking at Ian with a firm expression. Ian knew from his face that he wasn’t joking, but shit; marriage never seemed like something Lip would want.

 

    “Now?” Ian asked. That’s all he could manage to ask, considering the fact that he was still trying to process was Lip had just told him.

 

    “Well I have to ask her, but yeah I was thinking soon-”

 

    “Don’t you want to wait till you at least graduate college? Till she starts college?” Ian cut him off.

 

     “She’s already got a scholarship to that beauty school, and I’ll be done soon enough. I figure why not, you know? There’s a lot of legal things too. I can keep her safe from Terry and any other assholes. We’ve been on and off for years now I figured why stop messing around and just settle down. It would be good for the both of us.” Lip replied, running his hands through his hair.

 

     "You got money for this shit?" Ian asked, giving lip a look of disbelief

 

    "How fucking expensive do you think it is to get married? We're not gonna have some grandiose ceremony we'll probably just get hitched at fucking city hall or some shit,"

 

  "I'm not talking about the actual marriage, dipshit. I'm talking about after marriage, like a house and shit. Where the fuck are you gonna live?" Ian shot back. He normally wouldn't wanna argue this much, but he felt like Lip was starting to get way ahead of himself.

 

     "I'll figure it out, man. I'll get money. I'm working at the cafeteria at school, and Mandy's got a few jobs. Why are you so up my ass about this?" Lip retorted, not moving from his position in the doorway.

 

     "Oh, I don't know, maybe because it's _marriage_ , which is a huge commitment and I don't think Mandy will wanna commit to living off of the goddamn squirrel fund."

 

       "Since when do you know shit about commitment? You ballsing around with Roger fuckin donkey dick Spikey doesn't look much like commitment to me."

 

         "Hey fuck you, Lip. Just don't come crying to me when Mickey and his brothers come chasing after you with baseball bats the minute Mandy faces a single inconvenience with you."

 

        "Fuck," Lip sighed, running his hands through his hair. Ian thought he probably forgot about the fact that Mickey was more than willing to beat his ass the single minute lip fucks up.

Ian knew he felt strongly about this, and he knew it would be good for him and Mandy; he just couldn’t help but question whether it was impulsive. “Can you do me a favor?” Lip asked, breaking through the silence.

 

         “What could you possibly need from me,” Ian replied, rolling his eyes.

 

          “I know you’re friends with her brother,” Ha, friends. “So you know he can be an aggressive douche. I don’t feel like getting gang banged by the milkovich clan so I was wondering if you could ease him into the possibility that I might ask Mandy to marry me. Think you could do that?” Lip pulled out his phone, looking at the screen before he quickly pocketed his phone. “Shit I’m late for physics, thanks for doing that favor for me bro.” And like that, he was out the door. _Lip and his goddamn ideas._

 

      “Yeah, sure, I’ll talk to him.” Ian chuckled to himself in disbelief.  He hated initiating conversations, but he figured this was an exception. He grabbed his phone and quickly typed a message to Mickey.

 

      **Ian** : text me back asap please :)

 

     He made sure to add a smiley face, cause he was a sappy fucker like that. He hadn’t even but his phone down before it buzzed with a message.

      **Mickey** : no.

 

    Ian rolled his eyes and sent another text

      **Ian** : is Mandy home? I need to talk to you in person about something

 

    **Mickey** : nah, she's at work. the fuck you need? you gonna tell me you're pregnant or some shit? got an std?

     

    **Ian** : no, fuckwad. I just have to talk to you about some things I'd rather not discuss over text. when can I come over?

  

    **Mickey** : I'm gonna be busting my balls over this goddamn paper all day today so feel free to drop by any time to distract me from entering the pits of hell

  

   **Ian** : okay babe I'll be there in twenty

  

    **Mickey** : call me babe again and I'll stick your fucking glasses so far up your ass your be spitting out glass

 

    **Ian** : :)

    Ian pocketed his phone and smiled to himself. He was such a sap and normally he'd kick himself for it but he loved it.

   "Fi, I'm going out," Ian called to the kitchen.

 

   "Oh, okay. Take your inhaler?" She called back

 

    "Yup."

 

    "Alright. Have fun, wear a coat!!"

 

    "Yeah, yeah, yeah," he sighed as walked to  the front door, kissing her cheek on his way out.

 

     Once Ian got on the El, his thoughts drifted back to his interaction with Lip earlier. Marriage was such a permanent bond, and Ian didn't know how the hell he was going to convince Mickey that Lip was serious. Ian also thought about how Lip still thinks they're friends, and has no clue that Mickey's gay. Lip still didn't have a clue that Ian and Mickey were a thing. Whatever they were, Ian wanted to say Mickey was his boyfriend, but Mickey wasn't much into that stuff and they were still figuring out what they were.

 

    As soon as Ian had walked outside of the Gallagher house, he found himself coughing up a storm. The colder it got, the worse his lungs got. Sometimes he was to the point where he felt like he couldn't breathe. When he got of on the Northside stop, he couldn't stop coughing and his chest felt extremely tight. He was able to stop the coughing before he reached Mickey and Mandy's apartment, he didn't want Mickey to worry about him. Ian didn't know if Mickey would even worry about him, but he figured he'd tuck that thought away for another day.

       

       Ian stepped into Mickey's apartment and was blasted with a mixture of warm air and the sound of music playing in a distant room.

_Just as I thought it was going alright_   
_I find out I'm wrong when I thought I was right_   
_It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all_   
_I could say day, you'd say night_   
_tell me it's black when I know that it's white_   
_It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all_

    Ian almost burst into laughter when he thought he heard the faint sound of Mickey actually singing along. He knocked on the edge of Mickey’s doorframe, but the music was so loud that Mickey didn’t hear. He was holding a copy of Catcher in the Rye with one hand, and was pretend drumming with the other hand. Ian wanted to videotape it so bad, but he knew Mickey would murder him. Eventually Ian couldn’t contain himself and started full out laughing. Mickey looked up to see Ian in the doorway, laughing his ass off. Mickey quickly lowered the music and shot Ian a look, biting his lip so he wouldn’t smile.

     “Fuck you man, Phil Collins is a classic and if you don’t believe so you can walk out this door right now.” Mickey snapped, although Ian knew his words contained no heat.

    “As long as you can dig Billy Joel I think we can compromise,” Ian smirked as he sat down on the edge of Mickey’s bed. Mickey gave him a look, like he was deciding whether to do something. This made Ian nervous so he decided to pay attention to the floor. He felt a strong hand grab his shoulder and he felt himself being shoved onto the bed next to Mickey.

       “If you’re gonna come over, you might as well stay awhile.”  Mickey said as they lay on the bed with their shoulders touching.

        “Before I tell you what I’m going to tell you, you have to promise you won’t murder me or my dipshit of a brother.” Ian said while staring at the ceiling.

        “Is it Mandy? What the fuck did that shithead do?” Mickey quickly sat up. Ian sat up and put his hand on his chest, preventing Mickey from moving further.

        “No, chill. Fuck- _chill out Mickey_.” Ian said quickly, trying to keep Mickey at bay. “He..he wants to marry her.”

        “He wants to _what_?” Mickey exclaimed, his face turning more mad by the minute.

        “This morning he told me he wanted to propose to her. He says he wants to settle down, and that it could benefit the both of them.” Ian replied, breathing heavily from tackling Mickey.

         “Does he even _love_ her?” Mickey asked darkly.

 

 

     “Yeah, I mean I think so. He always runs back to her. She always runs back to him. I would consider that love.” Ian said, looking at Mickey with a soft expression.

     “Alright. She’s a big girl, she can make her own decisions. But if he hurts her I swear to god-”

     “I know, I know.” Ian cut him off. “Hey Mickey,” Ian said, a smile creeping on his face.

     “Yeah?” Mickey replied, looking at Ian with an amused expression.

     “Will you be my date to the wedding?” Ian asked in a phony victorian accent.

 ****  
“Fuck you,” Mickey replied smacking Ian with his book.  
  


 

   

   

      

  
  


**  
**


	10. One for sorrow, Two for joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello guys! sorry i've been posting later than usual, school starts up again soon and work has been crazy! I really enjoyed writing this chapter so I hope you enjoy reading it! :)

  “Today’s the day,” Lip said while sipping his coffee.

 

   “Hmm?” Ian replied while biting into his toast.

   “What, you deaf? I said today’s the day. Today I’m gonna ask Mandy Charlotte Milkovich to be my lawfully wedded bride-wife-person-thing.” Lip said, raising his eyebrows at Ian. Ian almost choked on his coffee in the midst of scoffing at lips declaration.

   “First of all, its lawfully wedded wife, second of all, you literally brought up the idea of marrying her a week ago. Don’t you want to think it out a little more?” Ian asked with a doubtful expression on his face.

   “The only wedding I’ve ever been to was Frank and Monica’s, so excuse me if I don’t know shit about weddings,” Lip retorted

   

   “Touche.” Ian replied as he got up to grab another piece of toast.

 

  “And, I’ve thought about it quite a lot thank you very much. I didn’t even tell you until I thought about it for at least two months.” Lip snapped, an annoyed expression growing on his face.

 “Calm down pitbull, I believe you.” Ian smirked to himself. He wouldn’t believe a damn word Lip said until he had tracks of mascara on his hands from wiping Mandy’s ‘happy tears’ when she said yes. “Just be careful for her Mafia siblings,”

  “Did’ya talk to Mickey?’ Lip asked quickly. Ian could’ve sworn Mickey was nervous but that couldn’t be true because Lip Gallagher was never nervous.

  “Yeah,”

  “Well what’d he say?”

  “He said to not dig your own grave. He said he knows you're not a dumbass and he trusts you to treat Mandy like a million bucks and if you treat her any less they got a hole in the backyard reserved for your body.” Ian said with a chuckle.

 “Fuck, well alright, guess that’s better than nothing.” Lip replied, running his hands through his hair.” “I have the ring here, it’s in my room. Make sure nothing happens to it okay? I’m sure nothing would, but just in case. I’m gonna go to class for a bit, I’ll see you later.” Lip ruffled his hand through Ian’s hair before Ian swatted his hand away.

“You already bought a ring?” Ian asked, his eyes widening at Lip.

 “Yeah, I mean if I was gonna do it I figured I’d do it right, ya know?” Lip replied. “What, you think I was just gonna casually ask her over a cup of fucking coffee?”

 “Well, no-I just-I’m just impressed that’s all,” Ian smiled sheepishly.

  “Thanks, man. Hey look I’ve gotta get going, I’ll catch ya later.” Lip said as he slung his backpack over his shoulder.

   Ian caught a look on Lip’s face that looked similar to relief and bliss with a hint of stress. Ian wondered what it was like to feel like you’re life was finally becoming complete, like all the pieces had finally come together. Waking up, knowing where you had to go, knowing what you wanted to do, waking up just-knowing. It seemed exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Ian wanted to live, but he didn’t know how.

 The last thing Ian saw before he buried his face in his copy of To Kill a Mockingbird was Lips backpack exiting the door.

 

  _“Something wrong, Scout?”_

_I told Atticus I didn’t feel very well and didn’t think I’d go to school anymore if that was all right with him._

_Atticus sat down in the swing and crossed his legs. His fingers wandered to his watch pocket; he said that was the only way he could think. He waited in amiable silence, and I sought to reinforce my position. “You never went to school and you do all right, so I’ll just stay home too. You can teach me like Granddaddy taught you ‘n’ Uncle Jack.”_

__

_“No I can’t,” said Atticus. “I have to make a living. Besides, they’d put me in jail if I kept you at home-dose of magnesia for you tonight and school tomorrow.”_

__

_“I’m feeling alright, really.”_

__

_“Thought so. No what’s the matter?”_

__

_Bit by bit, I told him the day's misfortunes. “-and she said you taught me all wrong, so we can’t read any more, ever. Please don’t send me back, please sir.”_

__

_Atticus stood up and walked to the end of the porch. When he completed his examination of the wisteria vine he strolled back to me._

__

_“First of all,” he said “if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kind of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view-”_

__

_“Sir-”_

__

_“-until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”_   
  


   

  A few hours into reading, Ian felt his phone buzz with a text. He quickly realized he had been sitting in the same position for three hours and his legs began to feel sore so he walked around his house, taking his phone out of his pocket to check the text.

   **Mickey:** Your brother is acting like a fuckasorus

Ian laughed and rolled his eyes before responding

 

  **Ian** : What else did you expect from him

**Mickey** : anyways

**Mickey** : he’s acting all giddy around mandy and he keeps on saying he's forgotten something at the house. if he's doing what I think he's doing he better not be fuckin stupid about it.

 Ian knew that Mickey knew that Lip wasn’t dumb enough to screw up, but he knew that Mandy meant the world to Mickey.

**Ian** : don’t worry it’ll be fine :)

Right as Ian sent the text, he heard a loud bang from the front door,

“Hello?” Ian called out into the open air.

“Ian! My son! How’re ya doing, boy!” Fuck, no. It couldn’t be, no no no.

 Ian ran into the living room to find an obviously drunken Frank searching around through the various things in the room.

 “What the hell are _you_ doing here?” Ian spat.

 “Oh don’t get your tidy whities in a twist my son, I just need uh- a gift. That’s all, yes a gift of some money. You’re old man has run out.” Frank replied as he paced around the room, waving his hands everywhere.

 Ian became more and more disgusted as he watched frank. His gray hair was wet and matted everywhere while he wore a ripped jean jacket that Ian didn’t even think was his and some ratty torn pants. Frank was also wearing Monica’s old plaid snow cap which made Ian even more angry.

 “Can you just fuck off, Frank? No one wants you here,” Ian retorted as he tried to prevent Frank from getting in the kitchen. “Get away from there!” he yelled as he tried to push Frank away from the squirrel fund. Ian wrapped his arms around Frank's waist which caused Frank to elbow Ian in the ribs. Ian lost ait from the impact and started to wheeze. But he needed to protect his family, so he quickly recovered and punched Frank in the face. They kept going at each other, punching and kicking until Frank punched Ian in the ribs, causing him to lose breath and fall on the floor. Frank kept punching Ian in the face, until Ian began to lose consciousness.

  Frank grabbed the squirrel fund and ran right as Ian lost consciousness.

 Right before Ian lost consciousness, he could’ve sworn he heard someone call his name. It had been Lip who had found Ian lying there when he had come back to the house to retrieve the ring. Lip called the ambulance as fast as possible while trying to keep Mandy from bursting into tears. He called Fiona right away as he headed into the car to follow the ambulance. Lip didn’t even tell Mandy to text Mickey, she already knew.

  Ian woke up-well gained consciousness two hours later to a bright light seeping through his eyelids. His eyes hurt to much to open, but he was starting to register voices.

  “Look, can you please just tell me what the _fuck_ is up with him? Is he gonna be okay?” Ian heard someone shout impatiently. It almost sounded like-no, it couldn’t be. The last thing Ian remembered was Frank slamming into him before he became unconscious.

 “Sir, I’m sorry,” he heard a woman say. “We are still trying to figure out all of the testing. His ribs were injured very badly which affected his already weak lungs. We’re going to have to put him in splints and put him on an oxygen tank. Please be patient with us, we are trying the best we can. Who are you in relation to the patient?”

  “Fuck’s it matter?” The voice replied impatiently.

  “If you aren’t immediate family or spouse, we’re going to have to ask you to leave for a while, I’m sorry.” The woman replied in a soothing voice.

  “Look- can I please just stay for fifteen minutes? That’s all I’m asking, please.” The voice begged. Ian swore it was Mickey but this all seemed too surreal. Mickey Milkovich never begs. Ian heard the nurse sigh and reply.

 “Fifteen minutes, thats all”

 “Thank you, I appreciate it I really do.” Mickey replied. Mickey Milkovich thanking someone? This couldn’t be real.

  Ian felt a weight shift gingerly on the bed and that’s when he decided to open his eyes. He looked up to see a disheveled Mickey sitting next to him on his bed.

  “Hey,” Mickey said horsley with tired eyes. Ian's breath was so short he didn’t have the energy to reply so he just smiled back. “I, uh figured you were too tired to talk to I just figured I could read to you or some shit.”

 Ian smiled and nodded. Mickey pulled out a copy of One For Sorrow and shook his head. “God, this is so fucking cheesy,” Mickey said, laughing to himself. He opened the book and began to read.

  _“We wandered the city for the next few days, getting to know it’s roads and bridges, it’s dead ends and alleys, it’s drive-thru liquor stores and fast food chains and abandoned theaters, it’s scrubby parks with falling down fences and vacant lots and bars. This was a world of cracked concrete and buckling sidewalks, a world where the trees lining the streets rotted and buildings disappeared every day. Jamie said he felt like maybe he could be more alive here.”_

As Mickey kept reading, Ian started to fall more and more asleep, Right before Ian fell asleep, he swore he felt a weight in his hand that wasn’t there before.

 


	11. "I want to live"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! Sorry for the delay, I have been getting ready to start my first day of Junior year (of high school) which happens to be tomorrow! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter :) your comments are greatly appreciated!

There was a stiff ache in Mickey’s shoulder from sleeping in the semi comfortable hospital chair night after night until Ian was released. His eyes felt weighed down from the constant attendance of classes and the reading that followed. _“In reading we escape our own world and enter ones we don’t know we existed.” Well screw you Mr. Torres, I can’t escape from the fact that my sister is gonna get taken away from me soon and this lump of ginger next to me is half broken._

 

                                       _Two Nights Before_

__

_“Mr. Milkovich?” The nurse knocked on the side of the room lightly, while warily eyeing Mickey. He lifted his head from his copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and looked at the nurse._

__

_“Yeah?” His throat was hoarse from disuse and his response echoed a sigh._

_“Since you’ve been here quite often I assume you are Ian Gallagher’s caregiver?” she spoke slowly and quietly since Ian was asleep._

__

_“What the fuck? No-no I’m not his fucking babysitter. Fiona’s his legal guardian but she has to work to make sure the kids are fed and shit. What’s this about, anyways?” The nurses disruption of Mickey’s time with Ian set Mickey on a slight edge. Despite the fact that Ian was out cold and couldn’t communicate, Mickey felt more calm being in Ian’s presence. Mickey wouldn’t dare to ever say that aloud._

__

_“Mr. Milkovich, please.” she ran her thin fingers through her short blonde hair. “Ian has to be put back on an oxygen tank when he is released, so I just need to know if there will be multiple people who can monitor him and the tank throughout the day. If the tank were to become punctured he could be in serious trouble.”_

__

_Monitor him? What was he, a circus exhibit? Mickey sighed heavily and ran his fingers over his cracked knuckles with fuck-u-up laced into them. “Yeah, we got people.”_

__

_She nodded at him, her face plastered with sympathy. Mickey wanted to strangle her in that moment, he hated pity. Terry said you only gave pity to those who were weak, and Mickey would be damned if he was weak. The nurse quickly turned around and left the room, leaving Mickey’s head to pound synonymously with the clicks of her heels. Once he could no longer hear the annoying clack, he pulled out his phone and called Fiona. She told him she would pick Ian up the next day, but he could come if he’d like. Once she hung up, Ian continued to read To Kill a Mockingbird, but this time he read aloud so Ian could listen too._

__

Mickey was putting in more hours at the bookstore so he could save up for next year’s tuition. He was in the classic literature section, putting away the new stock of Shakespeare the store had just received.

_“Did you know Shakespeare was actually gay?” Ian snickered into his book. Mickey hated studying alone so he had invited Ian over as along as Ian ‘wasn’t an annoying shit’._

__

_“Is this one of your gay jokes?” Mickey scoffed and rolled his eyes at Ian’s laughter._

__

_“No, like he was actually a grade A gay. One-hundred-percent homosexual, guaranteed. His sonnet twenty secretly refers to his love of men and their uh, ‘special qualities’” with that, Ian’s laughter erupted and he had buried his shaking head into his book._

__

_“As Shakespeare said himself; You, Ian Gallagher, are a fucking idiot.”_

He had stacked away the final copies of Ophelia before he heard the squeaking sound of wheels on a marble floor behind him. He spun around quickly, almost knocking into the cart which held the books.

 “What the hell are you doing here?” Mickey said before he could control the tone of his voice, and it came out sounding quite harsh. Fuck.

   “Fiona and I got in a fight, and-I- I didn’t know where to go. I just don’t want to be home.” Ian’s voice was small and breathy. He look like a small puppy, with his oversized hoodie, sweatpants, and the breathing tube up of both of his nostrils. His dark red hair was messy as if he had just woken up, and his usually bright emerald eyes had become more pale.

  “Shit, Ian it’s okay it’s just arent you supposed to be lying down or some shit?” Mickey tried to be a soft as he could, but Mickey felt his words were as strong as a hammer and Ian in this state was a feather. Mickey was standing directly in front of Ian, so that he could just reach out and tug on his sweatshirt sleeve, but there was an aching feeling in his gut which made him feel very, very far away.

 Suddenly Ian’s expression turned cold. His eyes went from droopy and sad to awake and angry. “I’m not broken.” He huffed, staring intently at Mickey. “I can walk, you know. I can sit I can stand and I can move. I’m not paralyzed, no matter how much you, Fiona and the hospital think I am.”

 “I never said you were broken. I sat in that lumpy ass chair for a week while they did all that testing, I know for a fact you aren’t broken. But that-” Mickey pointed to the oxygen tank. “is your _fucking lifeline_ right now. So no, you aren't broken, but it’s not a bad idea to be _fucking careful_ for a while, alright?” Mickey bit his lip, his temper always had a way of biting him in the ass.

 Before Mickey would do anything, one of his worst fears happened. Ian had been chewing his lip and looking on the floor. He pushed his hands back into his hoodie sleeves and placed his sleeves one his face. Then, Mickey say a tear fall. Then another. And another. Shit shit shit shit. Mickey was fine with crying, he heard babies and little kids crying at work all the time. But this was different, this wasn’t tantrum scream-your-head-off tears, these were actually I’m sad, please help me tears. The worst part is that Ian was trying to pretend he wasn’t crying.

 “Shit, fuck, Ian no please don’t cry I didn’t mean to make you cry please,” Before Mickey even thought about it he grabbed Ian into a hug. He’d probably get fired for this, since his shift wasn’t over, but he didn’t care.

 “Fiona wants me to go back to Dr. Condrey but I dont want to go back I can’t Mickey I can’t” Ian sobbed into Mickey’s shirt. He felt awful and embarrassed, crying into Mickey like that in public.

 “Doctor Condrey? Who the- who the fuck is that? Why do you need to see more doctors?” Mickey asked, rubbing Ian’s back as best as he could.

  “She's a therapist for people with chronic illnesses. Fiona made me see her when I was twelve because I was on the oxygen tank and it made me so sad I wouldn’t get out of bed.Her office is cold and I hate it and she tells me I’m depressed but I can’t be I don’t want there to be anything more wrong with me I can’t take it Mickey. ” Right as Ian was telling Mickey this, Mickey manager saw them and mouthed to Mickey ‘You can go,’. Mickey nodded gratefully at her and continued to rub Ians back.

 “We’ll figure it out, okay? We’ll figure it out.” It formed a pit in Mickey’s stomach to see Ian like this, and suddenly he felt an overwhelming sense of protection towards Ian.

“I don’t want to be sad again Mickey, I want to live.” Ian continued to sniffle, although he had gotten most of his tears out. Mickey lead Ian out of the store and into the El, with Ian’s oxygen tank squeaking behind them. Ian fell asleep a solid two minutes after the El took off, and his head slumped on Mickey’s shoulder. As the train squeaked on the tracks and the buildings swirled past the windows, Mickey whispered into Ian’s hair, “We’ll figure this out.”

_“and I wonder if Beethoven held his breath the first time his fingers touched the keys the same way a soldier holds his breath the first time his finger clicks the trigger. We all have different reasons for forgetting to breathe.” -Andrea Gibson_

__


End file.
